


I don't know why this has happened, but I probably deserve it

by belatheo



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Catradora Club Discord Server, Don't know about the Comfort tho, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, I Aced the Hurt, Memories of Adora, Memories of Double Trouble, Memories of Entrapta, Memories of Hordak, Memories of Scorpia, Memories of Shadow Weaver, More of an Introspection on What Happened to Catra in Horde Prime's Ship, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018) Season 5 Spoilers, Trip Down Memory Lane, catra centric, not really a romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24374419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belatheo/pseuds/belatheo
Summary: "Don't you want to be free of it?"Catra remembered that moment as clear as day. That sentence was as much of an invite than it was… well, a sentence. A verdict.---it's essentially Catra in Prime's ship. Lot's of internal conflicts. Lot's of rambling.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Catra & Double Trouble (She-Ra), Catra & Entrapta (She-Ra), Catra & Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra & Hordak (She-Ra), Catra & Horde Prime (She-Ra), Catra & Melog (She-Ra), Catra & Perfuma (She-Ra), Catra & Scorpia (She-Ra), Catra & Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 85





	I don't know why this has happened, but I probably deserve it

**Author's Note:**

> First, the whole idea of this fic came from this tweet: https://twitter.com/uselessgay449/status/1261870019300003841?s=20 it was basically a living prompt.  
> Second, many thanks to the people that helped me and endured me for the past 2-3 days it took me to finish this. Also thanks to Laura, Adina and Z for the patience of reading and pointing my mistakes/giving me some ideas on what to change.
> 
> Last but not least, I got some reviews about this before posting and I succeeded with the Hurt of it but the Comfort part was not as heavy, so, I'm sorry in advance.

"Don't you want to be free of it?"

Catra remembered that moment as clear as day. Horde Prime was so much more than Catra could control, could manipulate. It turned out all her efforts with Hordak was only child's play. Prime didn't even have her in his ship for more than a week before he already knew her inside and out, it was unnerving how well he read her. The denial she felt on the account of whether Adora only caused her suffering or not brought all of her defenses up, bared teeth, claws out, fingers curled, her tail lashing out behind her; but all of that left her as soon as that sentence was spoken out. As soon as it was out of Prime's mouth, her insides felt cold, her tail stopped flailing, her fur stood on end, her ears cast downwards… she was terrified.

That sentence was as much of an invite than it was… well, a sentence. And yet… 

A _name_. "Take this affliction from me." Affliction? The only thing she ever did was bring pain, even when she meant comfort.

Clarity and confusion, was it possible to have both at the same time? "Those who seek freedom will be granted it." And yet, this pain was easily taken.

_Cast out the shadows. Cast out the shadows. Cast out the shadows._

The only memory of her would be non-existent in but a few moments. She'd be even more alone than she already was.

_All beings must suffer to become pure! All beings must suffer to become pure! All beings must suffer to become pure!_

What was happening provoked both agitation and stillness. It was as if an invisible force was holding her in place. All of her instincts were screaming at her to just _get out_ , and at the same time she couldn't stop looking at _it_.

"Do what I ask of you."

* * *

_Adora is on that ship. She's not coming for you. Let it happen._

"Is that what you want?"

"I always find a way out."

* * *

"You have done well, little sister." Have you? 

"Soon, She-Ra will be mine." _Is that what you want?_ "All because of you." You.

"You will be exalted, raised up above all the other wretched creatures of your home world. Is that not what you wanted?" _Is that what you really want? To rule the world?_

You just need to go through this one, be the big bad villain. _But your heart's never been in it, has it?_

The problem, it's you.

_We both know this was never what you really wanted._ "Yes, Lord Prime." _It's for your own good, darling._

"Go now in peace." Peace.

* * *

_I'm always gonna be your friend._

The calm in the storm, she felt both even if the storm was slightly bigger. _Slightly_.

"Are you saving me?" That gave Catra pause, one second of looking inside and trying to rummage her thoughts for the courage of being true to herself. _I'm saving Adora._

"What about you?"

_Me?_ "All I do is hurt people." _Take this affliction from me. Of course you ruined it, that's just what you do. You're a bad friend. Adora is right. Get rid of her, put her on a transport to Beast Island. I didn't break the world,_ you did _. You made your choice, now live with it._ "There's no one else in the entire universe who cares about me." _They didn't believe in you. They didn't trust you. Didn't need you. Left you._ The problem, it's you. _You drive them away._

"Catra?" That was it, that voice. It felt so good to hear it, but also… bittersweet. It was like breathing after you spent too much time underwater, and then as if you drowned right after. It opened all the wounds she herself had inflicted upon the ones Adora made.

The doors she closed to buy herself time were opened and she came out of her stupor, Adora was wasting their time with questions that didn't have to be asked. _Just fucking listen_ !  
  
"Adora… I'm sorry. For _everything_." And she did mean everything. Not going with her when Adora first asked. For the scars. For the jealousy over Shadow Weaver which led her to do so many unspeakable things, things she was ashamed of, things sometimes she didn't even believe she did. For blaming all of what she did due to insecurity and fear on Adora. For not being enough. For not having the courage. For loving her. 

_One good thing. In your life. For a first._

Now in peace. Peace, was that what it felt like? Knowing you did all you could do, and that it was the right thing to do. Being selfless to save the one person she loved and didn't deserve?

* * *

The peace was short lived, even if in its place there was resolve, settling, a purpose. But, she'd be forgetting all of that now. _I always find a way out_.

Horde Prime approached, composed even in times of hatred. His touch was like nothing else. Long fingers upon Catra's temple and she was bare. He knew everything he needed to know now, he was on her mind, inside of it. A wasteland up for grabs. The intrusion was unwelcomed, but there was nothing she could do to stop it. And then he saw… Adora. He saw what she meant. _Everyone has a place in my Empire_. "Those who seek freedom will be granted it." Those who need the punishment. Traitors.

_Prime cast out all shadows. All beings must suffer to become pure! Prime cast out all shadows. All beings must suffer to become pure! Prime cast out all shadows. All beings must suffer to become pure!_

"I'm sorry that you must suffer." Catra remembered Hordak walking into the green translucent liquid, the screams, and the silence. It was hard to pinpoint which took more time to fade out of her mind, but now that it was her turn… 

The liquid was warm to the touch, it had a different viscosity compared to water, thicker, tackier, but still didn't cling to her fur, even though it pretty much looked like water. A strange feeling engulfed her when the liquid reached right below her collarbones, it was like the moment right before you fell asleep, that grogginess, the lack of focus, the hardship of remembering things. She couldn't even feel the resolve she felt right after Glimmer was safe.

But she still hadn't reached the middle of the font. She was fairly shorter than Hordak, and the fear of being drowned took hold for a split second before it was subdued by the grogginess. She would drown in this liquid before it even took hold and did it's thing.

But the next step she took made everything worse. You could call it poetic how one simple step changed everything. All she had ever felt in her life came abruptly to the front of her mind. Every memory, every feeling, every laugh, every hug, every touch, every wound, every torture, every mockery, it all came crashing at once. And the pain of _feeling_ took its hold.

Time stretched thin… She felt everything isolated in extreme detail. She felt everything jumbled up together. And at that moment she couldn't separate pleasure from pain, but it hurt and her body acted on its own, she wailed.

_Adora_. Where was Adora when she most needed her? It hurt, and it was Adora who always took the pain away. Until she didn't. Until she brought it. Still, she howled for Adora.

She didn't know how much time passed with her inside that font. It could've been days, she relived all of her life, all of her sins; it could've been hours, she wailed until her voice gave out; it could've been minutes, the liquid was still warm, peaceful.

She opened her eyes and it was as if she was in the far back of her own mind. Now she understood the appeal. _There is no darkness that my light cannot pierce_. The peace. Of not feeling at all. The numbness without the blue.

"Behold the purest among you. One to be honored."

She wasn't one, she was many. Acceptance. And she embraced it.

* * *

"Your Catra. She hoped you would come for her, poor thing." It was a far away thing. As if it wasn't Catra's own memory, as if it was the memory of the collective. There was no feeling, it was simply observing. 

Time passed differently, living felt different. Other than when Big Brother felt extreme emotions, there was nothing to be felt. It was peace. It was dormant. It simply was.

"Hello, Adora." The girl in front of her, Adora, she was looking like she just saw a ghost, like there was something that chilled her to the bones, that took all the happiness from her. But all she was looking at was Catra herself. What was to be afraid of, she felt at peace.

"What did you do to her?"

"I have made her anew." Contempt. Delight. "I saw her mind, so ensnared in rage, and grief, and pain, and I brought her to the light." Belonging. Peace.

"My place is with Horde Prime, Adora. I don't want to leave." And for some reason that was the truth. Catra had peace. For the first time in twenty one years.

"Tell her what I've done for you."

"Prime has given me peace. Something you could never do. You broke my heart. But he has made it whole again." The concept of it was the farthest from her grasp. Catra knew no more of what a broken heart felt like. "Don't you see? This is for the best. I'm happy here." And she… was. Happiness had a different meaning here. It meant peace. "You could be happy, too."

There was a time, it was hard to grasp it, but there was a time the one that was once Catra hoped to be happy along Adora. But in all of their time as acquaintances only one of them could be happy at a time. She was deprived of happiness for so long, and now she had it. She had peace.

The peace came with a price, but it was worth it, wasn't it?

The feel of Prime, one long metal covered cold finger in the nape of her neck, right below the short hairs, tapping on the disc imprinted there. It felt piercing. The other fingers were hot splayed in the crook of her neck where it met her shoulder. It felt engulfing. She didn't know what was happening but she couldn't move, she couldn't think, she couldn't see.

Catra had no recollection of things happening out of the hivemind, and at the moment she wasn't entirely connected to the hivemind. She supposed that for clones there was only one identity; they were created solely for this purpose. But as a person with a mind of her own previous to that, it was almost like an extracorporeal experience. She inhabited the mind that wasn't hers and she watched, dormant. But when the mind was taken away from her she still couldn't think for herself; she was frozen in time and in space. She had three distorted mind beings, hers, His, none.

And from none she felt a dim anger, frustration, loathing. It wasn't hers and usually when it was His it was also hers, but this time it felt disconnected. She didn't know what was happening, and in a moment without peace she only felt pain. _I see all. I know all. A false hero, to fall at my hands._

"You have led your friends to destruction."

A piercing touch to her nape and there was clarity. She was seeing for the first time. But the peace was nowhere to grasp. A glance, and Adora was there crouching, screaming, in pain. What was happening? Another pierce and there was the engulfing of three distorted mind beings again.

The hot and cold sensation at her nape was gone, and then peace was there.

"You two must have a lot of catching up to do. I will leave you to it." The comforting presence of the hivemind was back, and with it an order and no inhibitions. "Let me know when you're ready to make a deal."

Her body moved fast and strong, without holding back. She didn't have to think. She didn't even have to do it. The body moved for itself without restrictions. And she was left watching, without emotion, leisurely.

The girl, Adora, she kept reminding herself, held her in what should have been an incapacitating hold. There wasn't pain. There wasn't even discomfort. There was just peace. 

Adora started talking, and she waited. "I know you're still in there. I'm not leaving without you." It wasn't what her Lord wanted to hear, she was disappointed in Adora. "It's gonna be okay." She casted her head down and turned herself on the girl's hold. There was a surprised gasp. She wondered if what she was doing wasn't supposed to happen. The girl, Adora, felt pain when she scratched her thigh. Curious. Such tender flesh, warm, smooth and lithe. Should she hurt it? Mar it?

"Everything is already okay. We are with Prime now. There is no need for you to suffer. Come into the light with me." She must have hit a sore point for the girl Adora, or said something displeasing to her because she was unceremoniously flung to the Lord's altar. Her neck bumped on the stairs and for some reason it was funny. The girl was still holding back on her. This was a new feeling, the giddiness. She heard herself laughing.

"Snap out of it, Catra. I don't wanna hurt you."

Oh boy, now it really was funny. It's no use now when you already have. "But you have already hurt me. Prime set me free of that pain. The pain that you caused." There was truth in those words. Words a faraway Catra spoke to a faraway Adora. _The pain that you caused_ . _The times you abandoned me. The times you didn't want me._ But there was also something else in those words, something Catra couldn't grasp. "He will set us all free, forever. A world of peace without end."

A rapid fire of punches and shoves was at place again. Time passed differently here. And Catra was at the cusp of Prime's throne room, right at the edge. Looking down, there was nothing else to see but darkness, the end of the abyss. _There is no darkness that my light cannot pierce_. The giddiness was back. She heard herself laughing again. Take the fall. Let it embrace you.

Catra's intentions were short lived though, Adora was at her again, embracing her. Those arms were warm, not hot like her Lord's, but warm, welcoming and comforting. This was confusing. Why should the enemy's embrace be more… be better than her Lord's? And yet Catra could not think of it because her peace did not let her. Her Lord did not let her. Her Lord's presence was strong again, the strongest it ever was. She felt her claws out, scratching at something, but numbness engulfed her and she closed her eyes. There was no hivemind in her senses, no commands from her Lord, it was all purely Him and there was her no more.

When she opened her eyes she was holding Adora by her collar, just on the edge of the abyss. Let her fall. Let her embrace it. "Adora?"

And then she was back to being shoved into hard unmoving things. Her head hurt. It was the first time she felt pain. The giddiness was confusing. She heard her laughter, it was unhinged. She saw Adora, she really _saw_ Adora this time, and there was pain. Not in her head this time. But then there was peace and she couldn't get a hold on feeling. But this time, this time Catra could feel her mind take the same amount of space His took. It had weight.

"I'm not giving up on you, Catra." _Please don't._

"Then you're a fool. You cannot stop Horde Prime. He will reign triumphant over all the universe. It is destiny." Peace gave out to pain, and her nape felt hot, her body had sudden pains like she'd been run over by a tank, her head hurt again like there was a battle happening inside its confines. And Adora was there to take her. Embrace her. And give her the warmth and comfort she seeked. There was too much noise, too much warmth, too much movement, and then she was on her back.

Catra opened her eyes, the calm in the storm. There was so much pain, but there was also Adora, and she was the only thing that mattered. That was, before it dawned on Catra that Adora should not be there with her. "Adora, you should have stayed away. Why did you come back?" _I did it to save you. It was my one good thing._ "We both know I don't matter." _You should have stayed away. You should have stayed with your friends. You should be safe._

"You matter to me." The touch of Adora's hand to her face was bliss. Was what real peace should feel like. _You matter. You matter to Adora._

But there was a constant nagging of false peace at her mind. A controlling hold. Something unwelcomed. Something that had to leave. But she only felt weakness and He was strong. Catra’s hand moved without her meaning to, taking the comforting touch from her face and then slapping Adora's backhanded. She missed the comfort, the warmth, but if she fought to keep that feeling she would’ve lost the little she held over herself. Her legs took her to the edge, each step a battle. Take the fall. _No_ . Let it embrace you. _I don't want to die._

"Come on, Catra. You never listened to anyone in your life. Are you really going to start now?" _Shadow Weaver. Hordak. Entrapta. Scorpia. Glimmer. Adora. You never obeyed, why are you bending your neck now?_

"You're such an idiot." _I'm such an idiot_.

"Yeah, I know." Relief. Her pain was there but she also felt relieved. Adora was there for you this time. "I'm going to take you home." She could see Adora again, truly. _She came back for you._ And you tried to kill her.

"Promise?" _You promise?_ For real this time.

"I promise." You felt tears in your eyes, and Adora had tears in hers. You could have your happy ending. You just need to take her hand… and be happy. At peace. For real this time.

"Adora…" _I love you._

But Catra never had the chance to take it. She thought she had strength to counter Horde Prime, but he took complete hold of her again. "Disappointing. Some creatures are destined only for destruction." And then he sank her. You will take the fall. And embrace it.

The thing is, at that very last moment, before her feet let go of the tip, Prime gave her total control. He was gone. She could feel. And she only felt fear. Despair. A lost chance at happiness. And she could see. She saw the fear, the complete despair, the sinking feeling through Adora's eyes for the second time today. She saw only darkness. 

She spent a countless amount of time falling. And then she could feel no more. Her head was foggy, and she couldn't open her eyes, or feel her arms, legs, torso. It was all numb and she saw only darkness.

And that darkness, it was complete and forever.

* * *

Every nightmare starts at "Don't you want to be free of it?"

Every nightmare ends in the fall. The one she never wakes from.

Catra didn't tell Adora about it. Back at the ship they all knew of her flashes. After Entrapta took the chip out, everyone assumed it stopped happening. But it didn't. And Catra didn't want people to notice, so she slept less and less, and every time she needed to sleep, she did it when no one else would see it happening.

Melog helped. His presence eased things and she felt safer, but every time they drifted to Adora, showing the emotions Catra herself didn't have the courage to show, the nightmares came back.

It started at "Don't you want to be free of it?" It ended in the never ending fall.

It passed through all the pain she felt and all the pain she inflicted on the people she was supposed to show only love to. It showed every wound she inflicted to Adora when she had no control. It reminded her of every insecurity she had and has.

Catra opened her eyes to Adora fighting her way between the covers and she couldn't help but smile. Melog was at their feet staring at her. He felt it too. He understood some. And he was telling her she had to tell Adora this too, that Adora was there for all of it, not only the good things.

She knew.

The war had ended. The conquest had ended. Their mission to bring peace to all worlds had ended. Etheria was whole and all of the galaxy was safe again. It had been years now since She-Ra was last needed. But Catra was still damaged goods and no amount of She-Ra healing could help her.

She knew she should tell Adora, she knew she needed other forms of healing, she probably should take Perfuma's callings to meditate and the like… She looked at Adora finally settling down beside her, the covers half on the ground, her legs splayed on the bed, her tank top riding up and showing her midriff, drool fresh on the corner of her mouth that held a thin smile. And she couldn't.

She knew she should, but she wouldn't be doing it tonight.

She scratched behind Melog's ear in a futile attempt at diverging his attention and making him forget the subject, and curled herself into Adora's side, resting her head on Adora's shoulder.

She knew she would be free of it eventually, of _him_. But tonight the only thing she'd be doing would be sleeping in the arms of the girl she loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Please yell in the comments, if I'm inspired enough I might pop up more of those quickies one-shots around here.
> 
> If you wanna make part of our little Catradora fam, you'd be welcomed in our Discord Server, I swear we're cool and fun: https://discord.gg/fB4mY72


End file.
